The haunting of loneliness; a fear that I never really thought about all my life. I never considered it. Always took it for granted. Arguably, rightly so. Arguable, because, maybe if I was conscious of it, I would not have had all the experiences, wild, adventurous and unpredictable that I have had as I grew up.
Thankfully, I have been surrounded by loving people and maybe that is why I thought it was normal. The truth of the matter, as wiser people might already know, is that that is not the case. I learnt to have a positive disposition after some initial learning. Even for for people that I thought that do not like me or I've assumed so, the worst I did was be open, patient and stay out of their way. And if such relationships did turn around then it would slightly nudge my confidence. Not that there have been that many cases like that in my life. At least initially when I was learning about relationships, it was tricky to read people. Some people had the personality that one would consider rude but over time, thankfully, I learned that that is not case. It is just the variety in human kind and the traditional interpretation of emotions and personalities we are used to. Simple...or maybe not. But either way that is what it is.
Most of my acquaintances were, and in most cases are, phased by such interactions. They get uncomfortable and that is normal I think because I know it is difficult to overlook such reactions. You have to tune your brain to be receptive to such reactions in a neutral light. Train it to do so.
Once I learnt and started practising this, my life was great. I am proud to say that the spectrum of personalities that I have connected with in my life thus far is amazing and is extremely diverse. More so than anybody else I've known. It is not that I am declaring that as some sort of a fact, maybe you find that boring and that is perfectly fine. I, however, do not because I am quite eager and interested to know and understand different perspectives. I've spoken about this elsewhere as well. This was not always the case. Initially, it used to bother me a lot because I used to worry a lot about what others thought, and if, Allah forbid, such people were anything like the ones I talk about above then it would drive me nuts. All that has been fine and dandy, ever since I learnt a few things that my assumptions are different than fact and that nobody else's perception defines who you are. Since birth everybody is going through a personal journey of self discovery. Most people have not even figured themselves out yet, others don't have the time, most others don't have the mind and yet others lack the interest. So how, in good God's name, are they going to use their time/mind/strength to figure you out?
However, regardless of mastering this social trait all my life and making connections or learning to do so, I now find myself in a position where I am utterly alone. I got sick a while ago, I went into a coma, subsequently woke up and moved out of the ICU into a care home, overall my ability to interact with family and friends has been greatly hampered. I meet my friends rarely and my family weekly. Roughly 1-2 hrs / week. My beautiful wife and lovely kids miss me. My loving parents are ageing and stressing but will not tell me so. My whacky and wonderful sisters are worried.
Here I am lying in a bed in fear and what haunts me is this; the fact that being connection less, not a day goes by that I think that I should be with my wife and kids making our lives better, giving them a carefree life and making my children brave, with my parents reversing the roles and taking the torch of a care provider, with my sisters having fun and letting my kids enjoy their aunts, with my grand parent and other extended family living life as normal and helping out where I can and finally that things may not get better with time as it passes me by. Hopefully all of these fears are ill founded and that this haunting of loneliness is just one bad dream.